Thursday, November 13, 2008

Did someone turn over a rock?

If you grew up watching Laverne and Shirley, you'll probably remember how whenever they would say the names of their upstairs neighbors Lenny and Squiggy, the latter would come barreling through the the door of their basement apartment with cheesy "hello," trailing his dopey companion behind. Well, I just experienced the equivalent of saying Squiggy.

Just a few days ago, I was reading something about Ted Haggard, the bisexual founder of the New Life Church in Colorado Springs. You remember Teddy. He built a cult of personality around spewing sanctimonious bull shit and proclaiming the return of our nation to it's "christian roots." Then it came out (no pun intended) that he was having sex with a male prostitute who also happened to be his meth dealer. 

Good times. 

I don't like Ted. Perhaps that's not fair since I've never met him, but I'm OK with that. I've seen and heard enough to be comfortable. It's guys like him that convinced their congregations to give large sums to the anti-gay marriage groups here in California.
"We don't have to debate about what we should think about homosexual activity. It’s written in the Bible." - Ted Haggard in the documentary Jesus Camp.
Just because you would rather just have fleeting one night stands doesn't mean all gay men want that, Ted. Some would like to get married and have a committed relationship.

Oh well, at least he's out of the public eye now. Can't do so much damage from his sexuality reprogramming retreat.

Well, yesterday morning I was at the gym before work and there's Teddy on Good Morning America, big as life on the flat panel TV above the bikes. I couldn't have been more surprised if he whipped open the door coming from the aerobics room with a cheesy "hello!" springing from his lips. What is this guy, a vampire? Does it take a wooden stake to get rid of him for good? He was spouting some crap about being sexually abused, once, when he was seven. Yeah, that's why he did it.  It's all the pent up pain and frustration.  You know what, Ted? Fuck you. You must have a pair the size of cantaloupe. Take some personal responsibility, you bilious jackhole. Thousands of kids are abused each year. Sometimes the abuse goes on for years. Some go on to abuse kids themselves or sink into addiction, but most pick up the pieces, find a way to get whole again, and move on. Most decidedly do not have homosexual relationships with their masseuse/prostitute while simultaneously married (to a woman) and preaching against the sin of homosexuality.

You are a unique and special snowflake, my friend.

Then I get to work and check the news feeds. Guess who else is "breaking their silence" by giving an interview to a West Palm Beach news station. Mark Foley.

Sweet fancy jeebus, it's raining assholes.

You might remember that Foley (the Lenny to Haggard's Squiggy) was guilty of "abusing his paige-a-day calendar" as I once heard it described.  Foley also blamed his actions on being molested, this time by a priest. At least Foley's story pans out since the priest in question admitted the abuse.  I find Foley to be no less odious than Haggard.  Why can't these guys stay away.  No one is interested, except Good Morning America apparently.  Or maybe Haggard could just admit that he's attracted to men.  It really wouldn't be that big of a deal.  But instead, they've repented and recovered and are better christians than they were before (difficulty: low).

I think they're both lying, for which they've clearly demonstrated a gift.  I'm waiting to see what happens within the evangelical community with Haggard.  He's obviously making a comeback bid.  I wonder how long it will be before his book comes out?

Be well,


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